Monday, February 13, 2006

on the cuti cut class today. i had a report, i obviously had no time to do it, so i'm here, resuscitating my blog, changing colors, writing something deliberatley long. how the hell did i ever get this busy? the last three weeks just passed by like a tornado, and i am so tempted to give in to the madness. the oscars passed by so silently, which lord of the rings predictably swept, and there were no surprises. jing got married, and perhaps the biggest agitation i have felt so far this year was being forced to read scripture in front of a crowd of 400 in historic barasoain. the last time i read the bible was in 4th year college for my theology classes, and that was almost a decade ago! the ceremony was quiet and very subdued, and i got to witness the entire matrimonial hoopla from the front since i had to sit beside the altar and look at the crowd's disinterested faces. of course that meant having to control my eyebrows whenever the priest said something feudal. and believe me, there were a lot of feudal things mentioned in that mass than the entire bible and the 2000 years worth of scholarship on it combined. the thing i hated most was "masuwerte ka jing, dahil may lalaking nagmahal sa iyo." it was said thrice, in such an incriminating tone, and i could feel my body hair rise in agitation the third time he reminded my friend how lucky she was to find a man to love her and that her life's destiny depended solely on the man she would attach herself to. i thought i was the only one who noticed it, but there were lots of feminists in that ceremony, including filipino feminism's grand poet-esses benilda santos and rebecca anonuevo, lots of writers, colleagues and friends who basked in semiotics at least once in their lives, and a whole throng of the urbane who shaped their intellectual consciousness through the help of cultural studies. and that was the rhetoric in most of the tables i jumped to during the reception. marriage and religion are such feudal devices, but this priest was really something else. i felt i was caught in a 14th century period movie. good thing, jing and gil were radiant and totally oblivious to what the priest was saying, and that was a joy to see. they made each other happy. knowing that made trip to the podium worthwhile, that's my gift right there. i could safely say how happy the couple was during the entire ceremony because i saw their faces the entire time. it was also nice to see a lot of old friends from the pubroom and the literatti again. though i must admit, it all looked so sex and the city, seeing the contrast between the bulakenos who were so simple and loud, and that herd of misfits from manila who all looked so carrie bradshaw.the brightest spot of the week had to be love actually.i just melted the entire time after being forced to digest one sap-filled romantic narrative after another. it would have been sickeningly redundant if not for the fine performances of the entire cast. laura linney's moment (sarah) with her brother michael, mark's subversively desperate saccharine christmas greeting to juliet, and karen's discovery of her husband's affair through a christmas gift was what i remember the most. somehow, i loved the idea of being able to conceptualize love as a negotiation between the ideals we are accustomed to and those that we can only afford. sad, but our ideals are killing me. i can never live up to them. so when i watch something that deconstructs a grand narrative like romance, i have no choice but to warm up to it, even if it is sappy. plus the timing can never be better: it was after jing's wedding! so what negotiations have i made lately? for one, i have given up hope on some people whom i've held with high regard, without necessarily losing love for them, or for the things and decisions they make which i fail to understand. and i have learned to love maybe a little more openly a bunch of new friends whom i never imagined could be my friends. i hate to admit it, but going to film school has been one really good decision, not for the massochistic reasons of doing more things, but for the simple reason of finding compassionate souls who brim with ideas and realities the world supresses. i feel i've gone home. unfortunately, this home is just temporary. i dread the inevitable nostalgia of parting ways two or three years from now. oh, and another birthday passed. another birthday, and i don't feel like i've grown any older or wiser or more optimistic of the years ahead. if you believe in fortunes and destiny, then that would probably explain best why i am in a morose state right now. john tells me that i am at the end of a cycle. i'm in my winter phase. and i am hoping that is true since i am looking forward to spring.